#ThrowbackThursday Smallville Pilot

Smallville
Season One, Episode One, Pilot
First aired: 16 October 2001
Evolution of Lex’s hair: A curly unnatural orange – tuft – bald.

1989

Something sciency stirs in space. Meanwhile, an unsuspecting town sign goes about its day-to-day signage. It reads: “Smallville: Creamed Corn Capital of the World.”

Luthor and son fly overhead in one of Luthorcorp’s finest helicopters. Lex Luthor has shockingly orange hair. Not ginger, but bright orange. That hair was never going to survive, let’s be honest. He goes for a gander in Smallville’s much-loved cornfields. He finds a skinny man tied to a cross in naught but his boxers and an “S” painted on his chest.

In town, there is an infestation of crows (the football team), which is surprising because shouldn’t they hate crows for picking the town’s beloved corn? Fairy princess, Lana Lang plays in her Aunt Nel’s florists. Martha Kent enters the florists to an onslaught of snide remarks from Aunt Nel who clearly has a thing for Jonathan “fit farmer” Kent. The party is drawn outside to the noise of the football team. Suddenly, meteors plummet from the sky! Lana’s parents practically commit suicide as they move into position to make sure they are both crushed. Their decision is justified when the shot moves onto Lana’s ugly crying face. God bless that little actress and her crying skills.

In the aftermath of the meteor shower, Lionel Luthor, who prides himself on his lion’s mane, finds a tuft of orange hair in the cornfield. His sickened expression reveals he has found Lex lying with nothing but a single tuft of hair on his head. How can he ever love his son again?

Speaking of fields, Martha and Jonathan hang upside down in their van that got blasted off the road when you weren’t looking. Jonathan sees a little naked boy smiling at them. It’s Clark/Cal-el/Superman! For three years spent in a squished spaceship, his ability to walk is astounding – I think that is his first superpower.

“Kids don’t just fall out of the sky, Martha?” Jonathan says. But Martha has got that child wrapped in a blanket and ready to take home by this point.

Screen shot 2014-01-09 at 17.13.09

“He must have parents.” No shit, Jonathan. They find a cocoon-like spaceship half buried in soil.

“We didn’t find him, he found us,” Martha says. With that, they take him home.

Today

A teenage Clark wants to join the football team, which requires a permission slip from his parents. He walks out of the house in a strop when Jonathan won’t sign it. Bag and skateboard in hand, he sees he has missed the school bus. Wait, back up. A skateboard? When has Clark EVER used that skateboard? Are they trying to make him younger? Because it’s going to take more than a skateboard to convince us this man is 14/15 years old.

Anyway, he misses the bus. He strains to think how he could get to school on time. Like he doesn’t know.

Chloe Sullivan and Pete Ross have some Clark-bashing banter on the bus. The friends get to school only to find Clark is right behind them holding loads of books that he’ll need to throw at Lana Lang later.

Chole stutters: “How did you, how, huh, hibbity, huh, huh…”
“I took a shortcut.” Clark’s fibs are sloppy from the start.

Pete questions Clark on his lack of permission slip, while Chloe laughs in their faces. She isn’t a very supportive friend, is she. Pete is more worried about becoming a scarecrow than actually playing football. A homecoming tradition is that a freshman is stringed up like a scarecrow by a bunch of dicks in the football team.

Clark has stopped listening by this point because he has spotted a greasy-haired Lang from across the yard. The books come into play when he trips. Lana helps him with the library load but he is feeling a little sick being in her presence. There could be many reasons, but it might be something to do with that green necklace she is wearing.

Football Fantasy #1 (Clark does this a lot)

As Clark watches Lana cheerlead he imagines wearing super tight trousers and playing football. He is just about to kiss fantasy Lana, when…

“Clark how do I look?” Small Pete gets all up in Clarks face wearing a wobbly football helmet. Clark assures him that he’ll pretty much get slaughtered out there and leaves his good friend with his full confidence.

We then find ourselves on a bridge where Clark looks off into the sunset. A Final Destination series of events happen making Lex Luthor drive off the bridge taking Clark with him. Clark saves Lex but unfortunately the same can’t be said for Lex’s leather driving gloves and Porsche.

Clark is not shaken too much because  the next minute he is star-gazing Lana-gazing with his telescope.

His Face when he sees Lana:

Screen shot 2014-01-09 at 17.13.53

When Whitney, Lana’s boyfriend, comes into the picture:

Screen shot 2014-01-09 at 17.14.22

Lana gives Whitney her necklace with a meteor rock on it. “So much bad luck came out of it there can only be good luck left.” Whitney is happy to be fed bullshit, so gives her a kiss:

smallville telescope

Clark comes home from school the next day to a sweet racing striped truck. Killjoy Kent won’t let him keep it because it is from Lex Luthor. Clark gets in a rage and sticks his (weirdly, his own, not Jonathan’s) hand in a wood chipper. Martha gives Jonathan a look that says: “It’s time for the truth.”

He tells Clark he is an alien and shows him his spaceship. Clark doesn’t take it too well and super-runs off into the night. He finds himself in a graveyard, where Lana happens to be. Knowing that Lana loves fairy princesses, he strategically stands in front of an angel so he looks like he has wings.

Lana asks the question we all want to know: why is he in a graveyard? Lana’s excuse is fine; her parents are dead – they made sure of it. She proves this by talking to the grave as if they are asking her questions. Now Clark doesn’t seem so weird. But when the subject comes up again, he avoids the question with: “What’s that Mrs Lang?” Yes, back to the dead people. Clark walks Lana home, which pleases him because she is a flirtatious girl. Whitney witnesses Lana kisses Clark on the cheek.

Luthor Mansion Break-in #1 (Clark does this a lot)

Clark lets himself into Luthor mansion to return the truck to find Lex fencing. Oh the joys of rich people.

“How did you get through the gate?” asks Lex.
“I kind of… squeezed through.” Seriously? Is that what you’re going with?

Clark admires the mansion saying it is great, to which Lex makes a funny: “If you are dead and in the market for something to haunt.” The pair go on to have a pleasant conversation about Lionel’s ridiculous use of expenditure by shipping this Scottish mansion stone-by-stone to Smallville and Jonathon’s dislike for bald men. Lex concludes they are friends: “I don’t want anything to stand in the way of our friendship.” Clinger alert!

Former Crows footballers have been found dead all over Smallville. Chloe is at the scene of one particular crime with her reporter’s hat on. She spots the scarecrow feller from the beginning of the episode. After research, she discovers he is Jeremy Creek and the exposure to the meteor shower did something to his body that keeps him young.

“I call it The Wall of Weird!”

Chloe shows Clark her clippings of the unexplained in Smallville, which have occurred since the meteor shower. Notably, fairy princess Lana made the front cover of TIME magazine. Clark feels guilty seeing that ugly crying face. He runs away bumping into Whitney who makes a jump on him. Clark is this year’s scarecrow, due to his graveyard stroll with Lana. Clark makes one fine scarecrow with his ripped body and a symbolic S painted on his chest. Unfortunately, he can’t escape because  Lana’s necklace is on him making him feel gippy. Jeremy pays him a visit revealing his evil plan to ruin the school dance. Lex conveniently finds Clark in the cornfield and sets him free. Like Cinderella, Clark leaves a precious object behind (in this case Lana’s necklace), which the prince (Lex) picks up.

A battle of electricity and truck abusing breaks out between Jeremy and Clark. Jeremy shows us what happens when electricity and water mix in the land of Smallville: amnesia.

At the dance, Lana and Whitney dance in the spotlight with their prom crowns on. When the celebration ends, everyone floods into the car park to find Whitney’s truck is part of a truck stack. Clark smirks in the background and gets back to the telescope.

Clark puts on Lifehouse’s Everything and imagines dancing with Lana.

THE END

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